50 Things Joe Lucas is Not Allowed to Do
by fantasticality
Summary: A JONAS fic. Joe has a lot of things he's not allowed to do, and Stella, Nick, and Kevin have made a list of fifty things. But Joe, who's still going through his rebellious stage, decides to complete all the tasks on the list.
1. The Beginning

**_Disclaimer: I do not own JONAS. Blah blah blah, you know the drill._**

**Heh, I thought I'd try my hand at a JONAS fic, so here I am. There will be small or not-so-small hints of Joe/Stella. :) I'm sorry if some of the stuff ain't funny. It's kinda late. And 'sides, it doesn't really help with Joe's a Disney star, and I can't go all out. *sighs* And that promise ring. That ruins so many jokes.**

**Anyhoo, this will be a multi-chapter, so be sure to vote on which numbers you want me to write a chapter on. **

**I hope you like it, though!**

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_**50 Things Joe Lucas is Not Allowed to Do**_

_1. Show up at a costume party wearing a leotard, tights, and heels, waving his left hand and claiming that he is a single lady._

_2. Give secret nighttime tours of the JONAS firehouse to rabid fangirls so they can spy on Nick and Kevin as they're getting ready for bed._

_3. Purposely make Macy faint and then give her a "famous Jonas Makeover" when she's passed out._

_4. Wear his mum's underwear on the outside of his pants and claim it gives him special powers._

_5. Cut off all of Nick's hair and sell it on eBay._

_6. Try and sell Frankie on eBay._

_7. Just… don't let Joe go on eBay._

_8. Giggle incessantly every time someone says the words "bootie" or "duty."_

_9. Convince Kevin that the elderly principal with the long, white beard is Dumbledore._

_10. Convince Kevin that the tall, flat-nosed bald math teacher is actually Voldemort._

_11. Convince Kevin that, despite Dumbledore's sexual preferences, their principal and math teacher are not shagging each other due to a long rivalry and sexual tension._

_12. Replace all of Nick's hair gel with straightening serum._

_13. Rant for five hours on how the kids should just give the damn bunny its Trix…_

_14. …and then proceed to feed Kevin's bunny Trix cereal saying that it proves the commercial wrong._

_15. Bring Macy to one of their movie premieres and sic her on pretty-boy Rob Pattinson…_

_16. …or Chad Dylan Cooper._

_17. In fact, Joe is not allowed to bring Macy to any movie premieres._

_18. Barbie dolls are not an appropriate mascot for JONAS, no matter what he may think._

_19. Steal his father's cell phone and call the location of their next concert to have them decorate it with pretty pink unicorns._

_20. Perform the "Hoedown Throwdown" on a lunch table in the middle of the cafeteria._

_21. Put up mistletoe in the doorway of the girls' locker room with a hidden camera._

_22. Claim to have replaced Stella as the groups' stylist and proceed to dress Nick and Kevin as Hannah Montana for their next concert._

_23. Sell pictures of Nick and Kevin's baby years to the female population of their school._

_24. Shave off Kevin's sideburns and draw on his face with marker while he's asleep._

_25. Paint Nick's nails a bright and gaudy color while he's asleep. (Though he has found that hot pink does go well with his complexion.)_

_26. Try to get his name legally changed to Edward Cullen…_

_27. …And then sprinkle glitter on his face in order to live up to his name._

_28. Hog the bathroom every morning and saying he needs to get in touch with his feminine side and must take longer on his hair._

_29. Accuse a random bystander (no matter the gender) of sneaking in his room and sitting on his bed in nothing but sexy lingerie._

_30. Answer every question on a test with, "Only God knows," no matter how religious he is._

_31. He is not the father of anyone, no matter what Star Wars might say._

_32. Steal his mum's tampons during her time of month and draw faces and whiskers on them, claiming they are little mouseys and say, "No, Mom! The mouseys deserve to live, not be drowned!"_

_33. Go up to the incoming freshman and convince them that Nick has a thing for younger women…_

_34. …and clown suits._

_35. Sign all of his papers as "Joe, the Sex-ay Thang."_

_36. Snap his fingers in a Z formation._

_37. Go up to random people and say, "Oh, no, you did-n't!"_

_38. Go up to random people and say, "Girl, puh-lease!" even if they are male._

_39. Draw faces on fruits and try to start an evil fruit army…_

_40. …and claim that the Almighty Fruit Tree told him to do it…_

_41. …and proceed to make them attack Kevin._

_42. His mum, Stella, Macy, and the principal do not appreciate being asked if they've gained weight._

_43. Dress up as the school mascot and crash Kevin's pep rally._

_44. Take a toaster and load it up with bread, pretending it is a machine gun and shoot his family with said bread._

_45. Ask Stella if she enjoys making his pants so tight that he can feel them sucking him in._

_46. Show up at a concert wearing makeup and responding that he needed them to go with Stella's pretty-boy clothes._

_47. Speaking in a British accent and saying phrases such as, "'Ello, guv'ner," and "That was a bloody brilliant job, mate!"_

_48. When studying Romeo and Juliet, Joe is not allowed play the part of a "valley girl Juliet" with Kevin being his "pimp Romeo."_

_49. Announce to the entire student body that he has a curly hair fetish…_

_50. …and then proceed to sniff Nick and Kevin's hair._

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"There!" Stella smiled triumphantly as she finished the last rule with a flourish. Capping the pen, she turned to Kevin and Nick, raising an eyebrow as she waited for their opinion. "Well? What do you think?"

"I think that pink isn't really Nick's color. I say he goes better with warm colors, like a deep red," Kevin spoke up, still not tearing his eyes away from Stella's list.

"I don't see the point of this," Nick admitted with a shrug. "He'll just do all of it anyways once he sees it."

Stella smile faded slightly at the mention of this. "Well. Maybe he'll be nice and not do it?"

"You still have that hope, and you've known Joe for how long?" Nick raised an eyebrow.

"Well… we can always pray he won't find it." The blonde gave a shrug. She set the list down on a coffee table as she began to fix her lipstick. "Besides," she said after capping it, "it's not like it says that he has to." Maybe Joe had grown out of his rebellious stage, Stella added thoughtfully.

Kevin snorted. "Yeah. And maybe Joe really _is _Edward Cullen," he retorted with an incredulous scoff.

Stella was about to say more when she was interrupted by Mr. Lucas's call for the teens to meet in the living room to begin their meeting. Sighing, she followed the guys to the where the meeting was to take place. As she was leaving, she didn't see Joe getting up from his spot on the couch and following her out.

Joe passed the coffee table, and his eyes lingered on the piece of paper his brothers and best friend had been whispering about for the past hour. _50 Things Joe Lucas is Not Allowed to Do, _it read.

Raising an eyebrow, he picked up the paper. As he read it over, a smirk overtook his face. Oh, he would have fun with this.

Footsteps sounded closer and closer and Stella soon appeared in the doorway. She had no doubt come back for her forgotten list. Her expression suddenly morphed into fear as her eyes landed on the list clutched in Joe's hands.

Meanwhile, Nick and Kevin had come up to see what was keeping Stella when they saw Joe's smirk and the paper in his grasp. Their expressions quickly mirrored Stella's, and only one thought crossed all three of their minds.

_We're screwed._

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I had fun writing this, and I hope you had fun reading it. Lol, I'm praying that it at least brought a smile to your face. ^^ Anyhoo, don't forget to vote if you review or PM which number you want me to write a chapter on first! (I'm starting with ten chapters first.)

**Feedback and votes are appreciated!**


	2. Things 39 through 41

_**Disclaimer: I don't own JONAS. *sigh***_

**Heh, sorry for the long wait. I had to wait a bit to get votes, and then I've been busy all week. (And btw, I've decided the first ten I'm gonna do, so you can stop voting.) Heh, this chapter turned out so much better in my head. It's ridiculously strange, but I hope you like it. :)**

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39-41: Draw faces on fruits and try to start an evil fruit army …and claim that the Almighty Fruit Tree told him to do it …and proceed to make them attack Kevin. ^^_

Joe Lucas sat idly in his chair, waiting for his mom to finish cooking breakfast. It had been a dull morning so far. He'd woken up to Frankie practically shoving him off the bed, saying their breakfast would get cold. And then, when he came down, his mom wasn't even up yet! Turned out that the brat just wanted him to get something off a high shelf for him. Joe rolled his eyes. It wasn't his fault his little brother was shorter than most girls his age.

So now, nearly an hour after his rude awakening, the Lucas family were all gathered around the table, with Nick rubbing his temples, Kevin asleep with his head propped up on his hand, Frankie off in front of the TV to catch his favorite show, his father 'reading' the newspaper, and Mom smiling happily at him as she set the food down in front of them.

Nick managed a sleepy smile at Mrs. Lucas. "It looks great, Mom," he said as he reached for a slice of bacon. He shoved Kevin's arm out from under him, and the eldest brother woke with a start.

"My bunnies aren't aliens!" he shrieked in surprise, sitting upright in his chair.

Everyone shared a laugh at Kevin's antics and began eating their breakfast.

Suddenly, the door opened and in strolled a bright and sunshine-y Stella in all of her early-morning glory. "Hello, hello!" she greeted with a cheery wave. "Good morning, everyone!"

Mr. Lucas put down his newspaper to look at Stella. "Oh, hello, Stella," he said with a raised eyebrow. "You're here… again… when there's no staff meeting."

Shrugging, Stella said, "Oh, I know. It's just that Mom's trying out some new recipe for Chilean soufflés or whatever." She made a face, and the rest of the family winced. As much as they loved the eccentric Emma Malone, she was a horrible cook.

Mrs. Lucas immediately set another place at the table for the blonde. "Here you are, Stella. Sit down and breakfast will be out in just a minute!"

Stella smiled gratefully at the bustling woman and thanked her before taking the seat next to Joe. Turning to the boy, she asked, "Did you need anything modified while I'm here?"

Joe shook his head. "Nah. But Kevin here might need his pants expanded a bit."

Kevin let out an indignant splutter. "I do not! My thighs are perfectly fine right now!"

"I never said it was your thighs that got bigger."

"Oh." Kevin shrugged. "Well, in that case, yeah. "

Stella groaned and made a face, promising the older teen that she would fix his pants later. But her face suddenly lightened when Mrs. Lucas placed a plate of warm pancakes and syrup in front of her. She turned to Mrs. Lucas to thank her but found the woman already heading upstairs. Yummy, she thought, digging in. Those were her favorite.

Joe, on the other hand, was poking idly at his waffles. Waffles were always his favorite, but not today. He was in the mood for fruit.

_Or rather, a fruit army, Joe of Jonas, _an ominous voice that sounded suspiciously like Macy told him. Raising his fuzzy caterpillar of an eyebrow, Joe found the voice to be coming from the small tree-plant-thingy they kept behind his seat against the wall. _Yes, raise an army of fruit, Joe of Jonas. _A girlish giggle came from the plant. _'Tis an order from I, the Almighty Fruit Tree. Do not fail me, Joe of Jonas. _

Oh, yes. This would be fun.

Reaching into Nick's hair, he fished out a Sharpie. (Joe gave Nick a curious look. "Why do you always have something to write with hidden in your 'fro?") Joe pulled the fruit bowl closer to him and began drawing various faces on the fruit. In the end, all of the fruit had various expressions on them. Some had smiley faces, some had frowney faces. Some were crying, some were laughing. And some looked suspiciously like Kevin when he screamed like a girl.

Stella gave Joe a curious look. "What are you doing? I wanted some of those grapes, you know."

Joe didn't answer. Hazel eyes darted to Kevin's blueberry pancakes and back to his face. He merely gave Kevin a stare and a smirk before he began pelting his brother with the fruits. "Fruit Army, ATTAAACK!"

Kevin gave a girlish shriek and tried fighting off the onslaught of food. He let out a sigh of relief when it abruptly stopped, but Joe wasn't done yet. He picked up a banana, gave a slight murmur of apology for what it was about to go through, ("I'm sorry, Soldier. It is for the greater good of the army," Joe murmured solemnly,) and proceeded to stab Kevin with the stem of the banana. "Nom, nom, nom, nom," he chanted.

Letting out a cry of pain, Kevin grabbed the banana from Joe's hand and whacked him in the arm. "Joe, stop it!" he whined, bonking his brother on the head. "That hurts, ya know!"

"You are the cause of the death of our fellow soldiers belonging to the Blueberry Troop," Joe accused, pointing a finger at Kevin. "That's so—it's complete and utter cruelty!"

Kevin's gazed immediately dropped with shame. "I…I'm a killer. I'm a murderer of the Blueberry Brigade!" He fell off his chair and landed on his knees. "Nooooo!!!"

"Oh, please." Nick rolled his eyes. "Joe's just being stupid again, Kevin. Blueberries are made to be eaten, not to be put in battalions."

"No, it's the Blueberry _Brigade, _and the Banana Battalions," Joe interjected with a cheeky grin.

Raising an eyebrow, Nick asked, "Into alliteration now, huh?"

"It's my life!"

"And what about the oranges?"

"The Orange Troop!"

"That doesn't start with an O!"

Joe glared at his brother. "Yeah, well, it's got O's in it, so shut up, Poof Head!" he replied, sticking his tongue out at the youth. Joe turned back to Kevin and resumed pelting fruits at him. Just as he'd tossed an apple, Mrs. Lucas re-entered the room.

"Joseph Adam Lucas!" she screeched. "What on earth do you think you are doing with my fruit?!"

Oh, crap.

Joe immediately froze and slowly turned to his mother, eyes widening comically. "Um, leading a battle of my Fruit Army?" said the rockstar, hurriedly hiding the orange he was about to throw.

Mrs. Lucas was not appeased by his response. "And why, pray tell, are you attacking your brother with your Fruit Army?" She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes, tapping her fingers in wait of a valid answer.

"Because Kevin is the murderer of the Blueberry Brigade!" Joe told her, his voice going slightly shrill. "He slaughtered all of them, cruelly chewing them apart with his jaws of death!"

"First of all," Mrs. Lucas began, "blueberries are not alive! They can't die in the first place!"

"Well, technically—"

"You be quiet, Mister," Mrs. Lucas snapped. "I don't care about being technical. You are in enough trouble as it is. And don't think I didn't see that apple you threw, or that orange in your hand!" Their mom sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "What the devil possessed you to do such a thing, Joe?"

"The Almighty Fruit Tree told me to do it," Joe replied proudly. It was only someone of importance who was deemed worthy enough to be commanded by the AFT, as he so proudly dubbed it.

Mrs. Lucas' expression switched from infuriated to concerned. "Joe, sweetheart, who is the Almighty Fruit Tree?"

Nick gave a snicker. "Yeah, Joe? Who's the tree?"

"It's the commander of the Fruit Army! I'm just a stand-in," he explained. "Aft is the _real _leader!"

Mr. Lucas, who had chosen to ignore all of the fruit-throwing crap, decided now was a good time to interject. "Son, how are you talking to this Almighty Fruit Tree?"

"Oh, it speaks to me with telephone-y."

"You mean telepathy?"

"Yeah, whatever."

"Sweetheart," Mrs. Lucas crooned, placing a hand on Joe's forehead, "I think it's time to visit that house again. You're hearing voices."

"Oh, Mom, you're such a worrywart. I know where the plant is! I don't need to go back to the house again," Joe assured her and gently took his mother's hand off his brow. "Behold, the Almighty Fruit Tree!" He gestured to the small tree-plant-thingy behind him.

At that, Stella, Nick and Kevin promptly burst out laughing. But, of course, the glare from Mrs. Lucas promptly shut them up.

"Darling, I think we really should visit the House again," Mrs. Lucas pressed. "It'll be nice and relaxing, and your favorite white jacket will be there."

"But the Almighty Fruit Tree told me to do start the Fruit Army!"

"Well, the Almighty Fruit Tree doesn't exist," she said gently, not trying to evoke another one of Joe's hissy fits.

"But, Mom! Aft is right there!" Joe made another gesture at the plant.

Mr. and Mrs. Lucas grasped Joe's arms and began leading him to the car. "Let's go, sweetie," Mrs. Lucas murmured softly into his ear. "The happy place is at the House. The Almighty Fruit Tree won't be able to command you there."

But Joe refused to leave, so he kicked and screamed. "Mom, I am telling you, Aft is right there! I'm not going to the Assie-Lum again!"

"It's _asylum, _Joe," Mr. Lucas grunted as he promptly hoisted Joe over his shoulder (with great difficulty, mind you. Mr. Lucas was not as strong as he used to be, nor was his son as light). Mrs. Lucas hit her husband on the arm and glared at him, telling him to shut up.

"Fine, fine, I'll go!" Joe conceded after he 'accidentally' kicked his brothers in the face in his fuss. "Just put me down!" Once his father set him down, he looked up at his parents. "Can I have fruit before I go to the Assie-Lum?"

"NO, JOE!"

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**Lol, didn't I tell you it was stupid? It was so weird! I'm not good at keeping them in character. XD And I had a bloody hard time trying to end it. And I know that going to an asylum for Joe probably is a bit too drastic, but it suited the story. *shrugs* When you're at Joe's stage, you realize that a shrink can't help anymore.**

**Anyhoo, feedback would be greatly appreciated! ^^**


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